Being Bipolar Sucks…
But don’t it though. I was lying in bed tonight thinking about this when I woke up from the twilight sleep I was in from trying a night without sleep meds. Yeah, not going to try this little experiment again. No sleep sucks too. But I’m right though aren’t I. Your entire life you’ve felt like a flamingo trying to fit in with a flock of turkeys. Oh the tremendous highs of mania, you’re creative, you can go for days with little to no sleep, oh, all the great ideas you have of all the things you’re going to try. The “I can do anything” feeling. No matter what happens things are great! And they are not going to change (yes an evil, evil lie). Nothing is going to ruin your day but oh God when it does, you feel like you could rip out the throat of the one who just ruined it, and that feeling comes out of nowhere that makes any sense. Then you feel like you are going to lose control and then, as quick as that feeling comes, well, then it just goes away. For me my mania means outrageous credit card bills and buying shit off Amazon that I don’t really need but it seems like a good idea at the time, 6 months later, why? Yep, I’m manic. Warm weather is always my manic time. The weather is warm and the sunshine feels glorious on my face. I want to get up early, before dawn, just to watch the dawn come. Drink my coffee in solitude; this is my introvert’s most favorite time of the day, no people but me. Well, me and God and he’s fine with the way I am, he did make me after all. Yes I will admit, I love my mania.
Then, bam! Its fall, days start getting shorter. And, because man decided to dick with the natural order of things, daylight savings time ends (this was a sucky idea btw, stupid people and their stupid ideas). I can feel the cold and dank darkness of depression creeping in around the cracks. The desire to arise early is usurped by the need to try and stay asleep as long as you possibly can and even when you do arise your eyeballs refuse to cooperate and it is very frustrating. All those grand ideas you had, they being to scream failure!! At you and it‘s hard to silence those negative voices in your head. For me I get cranky and irritable because autumn and winter are about it steal my warm and beautiful sunshine and glorious scorching hot days. Here comes the Burger Meister, Meister Burger of my winter, no fun in Sombertown, it is not allowed else the doer of the deed be punished. SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder and I’m sorry those stupid little light boxes do nothing to assuage the sadness and lethargy that creeps in, I know, I’ve tried, all it does is blind my already confused eyes. I am a firm believer that humans should hibernate like bears, in fact, I think I’d like to have that very conversation with God one day and voice my displeasure at this sucky turn of events this unkind joke perpetuated on the humans of my ilk. Then you start counting the days until sunshine and very long and wonderful warm days will reappear. I can live with my mania because it alternative is just, well depressing.
Yes, the proper cocktail of meds help but you still know it’s all there just lurking around the corner. The exulting highs of the mania and the overbearing weight of the depression of the lows. Even the best meds don’t stop these military like processions marching through my head. They are still there like luggage that just stays with you forever, luggage that nobody wants when you want to be done with it so you keep it forever locked in your metaphorical attic. This dragon will rear it’s head again and you’re always afraid that when the dragon does come, and it will, you won’t be able to defeat it this time. The fear is real, the struggle, it’s real. People like me, we learn to smile and say we’re fine when the rage of frustration is just simmering underneath the surface and you have the anxiety of the knowledge that the Mt. Vesuvius of frustration and anger could be just around the next bend for no reason other than the idiots of Walmart being the clueless idiots of Walmart. Dreading human interaction because there are unknown variables that will get thrown at you and you have to deal with the anxiety that begins to hurl your way not knowing if it will stop this time before you are sitting in a bathroom stall wishing at that moment to be safe in the confines of your home cocoon but dammit you needed milk. Bipolar, Introvert, Anxiety, PTSD, on a daily basis, life is a struggle but I have come to the decision that being a flamingo in a flock of turkey’s isn’t so bad. I have learned to love me, flaws and all. It is part of who I am. I do have all these things but I am NOT all these things and I no longer define myself by these things. Self-acceptance is the first step in learning to live in a world where things are constantly shifting. I use to feel like I was re-arranging deck furniture on a sinking ship but now I just realize I am moving things around to try and make tomorrow a better day. You know how you eat a whole bear? One bite at a time and that is how I take my life, one bite at a time and I am learning to be all the better for it. My unique perspective gives me a different view of things and I am learning that this is as close to “normal” as I am going to get and normal is relative anyway, it is just a term applied to those things to which we are accustomed, so this whirlwind in my mind, this is MY normal and I have learned to be just fine with that.